Or maybe they do, I’ve just never heard it.
I haven’t touched my computer for days, which is a little unheard of for those of you who know me. I haven’t Instagrammed for days, which is unheard of for those of you who do or don’t actually know me but follow me. Life has been pretty weird and I have been pretty sad.
I moved to New York City. I’ve been saying I was going to do it since I was probably about 13. Somehow I said I was never satisfied with Raleigh and knew I’d want to work in the big city, but at this particular moment I would give anything to go back.
You see, when people make a huge change in their lives (like I don’t know, leaving everyone you love and the only city you’ve called home) everything in your brain comes to a screeching halt. My mentality is literally pumping the breaks saying “What did you do!!!” Or I mean, if you’re really good with change maybe your brain doesn’t do this. But for most people who I’ve been texting (thank you family + friends, ily) they’ve been able to reference a particular point in their life where they had this feeling, it’s just not something people mentioned to me beforehand.
My instant reaction to New York has been: I have made the wrong decision. Everything that seemed magical about it seemed to disappear the moment my parents pulled away in a cab, or maybe the moment I pulled away from my boyfriend’s apartment in Raleigh, or maybe when I threw up at a subway station on my first weekend here. And you know what? That shit is normal (the feelings not the puking). I’ve seen so many people just keep posting pictures like everything is fine (which, props to you if you can) but we also need to talk about this hard stuff too. So many people have been through it, so let’s talk about it. (I’m not just saying that because I need you to talk to me about it.)
I admire those of you who float eloquently from each stage of life, but that has just not been my case. I’m comparing everything to home, crying a lot, feeling alone, and definitely a little crazy. I made this decision, and right now I’m regretting it, but everyone says it will get better. I greet most days (and most social situations) with blurry, puffy eyes from crying to my dad or boyfriend on the phone. There is nothing glamorous about this. I’m not sure whether to call it a slump, a bit of depression, or just simply a stage in life, but I am struggling to do daily tasks besides going to work (I’m interning and applying to dream jobs), because everything reminds me of home and everyone I left behind.
So many of you have texted me about following my dreams, but honestly this week has paled that thought into missing people. What is the point of having a great career if you don’t have your people? (This is something I’m contemplating). Luckily, Nick and his roommates were able to visit this weekend, but we are about to embark on a long distance relationship, which means it won’t always be just a week between visits. It’s been incredibly crushing to deal with all of these feelings without a warm hug from him, or anyone else for that matter. I left my apartment this morning with him, and when I return it will be without him (I was writing this in a coffee shop so I wouldn’t cry but alas).
If you have texted me during this time and I’ve been slow or short in response, I am sorry. There have been times I am ready to talk and times I’ve felt like talking to a very small group of people, or no one at all. Thank you all for reaching out and for all the encouragement. I know this post makes me sound a bit mental, but I think it’s important to be transparent, especially with all the posting on social media.
On that note, I should be back to Instagram this week. I’d love to build a brand, and yes I’ve still been taking pictures, and yes I’m still a brand ambassador for Moon & Lola and Nantikini. I’ve just been having a tough time and that’s okay. (And I’ll still be having a tough time, even though I’ll be back to posting).
It’s super important to me that no one has to feel alone in their feelings, so if you’re ever struggling, please reach out to me. I’d be happy to help in anyway I can (mostly I suppose by listening). It really sucks to make an adjustment on your own, but that’s just a part of life, so I guess I’m doing it (I say that and yet I’m still contemplating going home).
Moral of the story, I’m not really okay right now, but that is okay. Life goes on, and hopefully I’ll get through it. If you have any tips on moving and struggling, let me know. I’ll happily take them and attempt to apply them. Props to you if you made it through this whole post, it’s been a ramble of a couple of days coming. (and super props to you if you didn’t get annoyed with all these parenthesis). Thank you for reading and listening.